Tuesday, January 3, 2017

Real friends

I've read many, many blogs blogs of girls like me and one of the consistent topics regarding transitioning is how it affects relationships with family and friends. I'm only going to focus on friends for this post (which hopefully ends up making sense) 😀

The thing is, I don't know if I have any "real" friends. Don't get me wrong, I have tons of aquantiances that I am certainly friendly with - but I don't think I have any close friends (besides my wife if you count her). The reason I say this is because I've been living a lie, wearing a full body suit and mask of the wrong gender my entire life. No one besides my wife knows the real me - and even that might not be 100% true as I'm still working on understanding 100% of me myself. 😟

I've always had this wall, this barrier to the real me - pretending to be something I'm not. With that ever present how could I have really created and nurtured real, honest, meaningful relationships with anyone? I've had good friends, and still have good friends but never really a tight-knit BFF bond with anyone.

As I continue to work on understanding 100% of me, and continue to be open and honest with my wife and eventually all of my family and friends, then I'll have the foundation for "real friendship" with anyone. So when I do eventually completely and fully "come out" there really aren't many cons (just pros) concerning all the friends I have. If they don't want to continue to be friends with me then no skin off my nose. If they do, then I can focus on building real friendships and maybe even finding a BFF 😜😁 who might be someone I haven't even met yet. How exciting!!

Tuesday, December 27, 2016

Who is this Tess girl??


I don't know if I'll actually "blog" but I figured I'd at least post a little bit about me.

My name is Tess, and I'm a late 40's non-transitioned trans woman. I'm also a husband, a father, a grand-father, a brother and a son (hence the non-transitioning part).

I love my wife very much, and she is doing her best to accept, support and even embrace this part of me. It's very tough, as any of you know, but we're taking this journey together and I'm very grateful she's by my side.

I remember back to very early childhood (4 or so years old) and wanting to be a girl. I used to love to play house, or dress up or anything like that. My mother's best friend had a girl same age as me and we'd go over to their house quite a bit. Me and her (Amy) would play dress up all the time, and my favorite was when we'd do a Miss American pageant 😍 I'd be Miss California every time because she was always so pretty. We'd do "casual", "dress" and even "bathing suit" - our Moms were the judges (I'm not sure who won, but who cares!).

I remember praying to God almost every night that he'd "fix me" and that I'd wake up in the morning and be a girl. Sometimes I'd think maybe I'd be lucky enough to have a horrible accident and my private parts would be so damaged that they have to "fix me" and make me into a girl. After awhile - especially after puberty starts - you realize the fix isn't coming.

I had my stash of clothes, or borrow my Mother's and I'd dress any chance I could. My parent's found my stash once and proceeded to tell me how wrong it was. I had been really good at hiding and lying to myself for so long, that I lied to them and played it off like it was nothing. They threw my stuff away and it was never spoken of again. Of course it didn't take long to start to build back up my stash. However, this time I had to be even MORE careful and improve my hiding and deception. All the time I was in so much denial, and was piling on so much self-loathing and guilt. You know how it goes.

I purged. I re-bought. I purged again. Of course I re-re-bought. The vicious cycle that has no answers.

Why was I like this?
What is wrong with me?
I'm a disgrace! A mistake! A freak!
There is no one else like me.
No one will ever love me.

I need, NEED to be what I'm supposed to be. I've got a penis so I need to be a boy dammit! If I just find the right girl, get married, start a family I'll be cured! I can change, I know it!!!!!

 After a lifetime of not getting close to anyone, I finally started looking for love. I found someone (actually she found me) and before I knew it I was in love. I threw out everything and vowed that would be it. I am and will be a Man, a Husband and a Father.

Well - we know how that goes. I was "good" for probably 5 years, but then the walls of my denial came tumbling down. I think some of it was triggered by realizing I married the wrong girl (not the right one after all) and other stresses in my life, but it doesn't really matter as it was just a matter of time. I told my wife and she didn't understand. In fact, the only thing she understood about it was how I was a disgrace, a mistake, a freak. She was/is a horrible person (yes I did make a horrible mistake with her) and she used this new intel against me any way she could. She threatened to tell me friends, my boss, my parents. I was at the bottom and sinking fast. I had no desire to live and daily thought about killing myself. The only thing stopping me was my kids. But even that wasn't enough - "They'd be better off without me" is what I thought.

And then came the internet. Thank you Al Gore for inventing it 😉
I finally realized I wasn't alone, and eventually what made me "Me". Of course the labels were different back then, and labels are really only good on food containers. But, I had some answers, and that was a start. There were forums and chat rooms and I could talk to others like me. It was great. I started to accept myself for who I was and I lost the guilt. I accepted me as me.

I was happier with myself, but still stuck in a horrible marriage. However, I decided to stay in the marriage for the kids. For many more years I suffered on, but eventually it was too much and when my wife told me to leave, I happily obliged and never looked back. In fact, after several years of fighting in court I actuallygot custody of the kids (even though she tried to use my cross-dressing against me in court). Take that bitch!! 😡😈😡

In the middle of all this court battling I met my current (and final) wife. I wasn't looking for anyone, she wasn't looking for anyone, but we found each other and it was love at first sight. Together we have a fantastic family of 6 kids and 2 grandkids.

I don't have a stash anymore. I have a closet full of clothes and shoes and everything else.

I don't know if I'll ever get "fixed", but the fact is I don't know if I really need to get fixed.

Thank you for reading, and thank you to all the real bloggers out there. I really enjoy reading your blogs - keep them coming! ❤